All the Single Ladies
by Clayton Overstreet
Summary: After being disappointed with Frozen 2 Elsa goes out to drink and complain with some of her single friends.


I don't own these characters or profit from them.

Warning: May contain spoiler information.

Frozen 2: Afterward

All the Single Ladies

By, Clayton Overstreet

Sometimes your whole life just feels out of control.

It was Singles Night at the House of Mouse when Elsa stormed in, a dark snow cloud floating over her head flashing tiny lightning bolts and gently snowing on her head. She stormed in to where she saw Maleficent and Moana sitting at a table. Maleficent was drinking nectar from a flower and Moana had something with an umbrella in a coconut shell. Irritably she motioned to the bartender, Ursula, who used her tentacles and a blender to make up a red drink full of crushed ice. It was brought to the table by Mrs. Hawkins from Treasure Planet.

Grabbing it Elsa sipped some, still frowning. Moana said, "I take it the sequel didn't go well?"

Elsa sneered. "Apparently I'm supposed to be a symbol for female empowerment and not needing to define myself by my relationship. I had to jump into the ocean at the end just to get my hormones under control." She Maleficent and Moana all clinked their drinks together. "Never mind that I live in the middle ages where my lifespan is likely to last… just about another week. Or that everyone thinks I'm banging my sister. My married younger sister. Oh and that I am the ruler of my kingdom." She snarled. "If I hear one more 'frigid' joke I swear I'm going to snap. They even had a really cute girl in this movie. There was a freaking petition to get me a girlfriend. And then Disney just punks out on the whole thing."

"Could be worse," Maleficent said. "Try all the 'spinster' jokes I get because of that damn spinning wheel. I was single for sixty years and I got my happy ending with a cute girl. We managed to prove the prince was not her true love. Only just as I'm kissing her off camera some Disney executive runs in and yanks the bed she's sleeping in down an inch so I only kiss her forehead. I still managed to take her back to my magical swamp with me and the other fairies, since it'd be stupid to have her live in that creepy iron spiked castle. Then we finished up with them playing "Once Upon a Dream". And now there's a whole sequel that ruins it!"

"At least you two got to kiss somebody," Moana said. "I rescued two gods. Two! One thanked me with a hearty 'you're welcome' and then tried to ditch me. Oh and peed on me! And the super sexy goddess I save by returning her heart just pressed her forehead to mine and gave me a boat."

"At least they didn't take a full thirty seconds out of the movie to kill your parents," Elsa pointed out. "With no real benefit to the storyline."

"No, they just killed my grandmother, who was the only person in my life who supported me. They left my parents, who wanted to keep me trapped on an island while the rest of the world rotted… which apparently would have killed us in a week… completely alone. I love them and all, but I can't even find any fan art with me and Te Fiti." She sighed. "I should have gone looking for Hi'iaka instead. Then I could have been Disney's first lesbian princess."

Maleficent said, "In Once Upon a Time Mulan liked Aurora…"

"And she still ended up with the prince," Merida from brave said as she came in and sat with them, a frothing wooden mug in her hand. "Not that Mulan is actually a bleedin' princess ya know. Bloody uptight executives. I coudla been her romantic interest in tha' shoo but nay, instead they hook up bleedin' werewolf Red Ridin' Hood with Dorothy of Oz… who was supposed ta marry flippin' Queen Ozma if they would just read the bleedin' books! Early nineteen hundreds and they had a lesbian couple and we can't get so much as a snog!"

Floating up by the ceiling Wendy Darling, Alice, and Mary Poppins sipped tea together. Nobody liked getting involved in a princess argument.

At the bar Ursula's tentacles slithered over the counter as she said, "How do you think I feel? If they'd made me better looking then when I basically owned Ariel I could have kept her and married her. We could have gone to Japan and had a tentacle love honeymoon. But it was the eighties and instead I had to use her to blackmail her father and get stabbed by a freaking sunken ship."

"Ariel? She seemed pretty smitten with Eric," Maleficent said.

Ursula snorted. "Please. If she'd seen Princess Jasmine on that ship dancing she would have fallen for her."

"They actually gave me a daughter…no husband of course… who had all kinds of chemistry with Emma Swann… even a childhood together. Next thing you know she's involved with Captain Hook," Maleficent grumped. "I mean come on, princesses and dragons. Perfect match. Plus we can do this." She stuck out her forked tongue three feet.

Elsa said, "I hear that Webby from Ducktales has two potential girlfriends."

"Great so they can end up dating Scrooge's nephews," Moana said drearily.

"It's got to be better than that old episode where she ended up in the furute with Doofus," Maleficent said. "She could have dated Goslin from Darkwing Duck…"

"Not princesses," Elsa pointed out.

Merida said, "It's not like it's just bleedin' Disney either. Wonder Woman spends three thousand years on an island o' man hatin' Amazon warriors trained to kill men on sight. Three minutes on the mainland shore and she's dating men."

"Batwoman and Harley Quinn both got girlfriends," Maleficent said. "They even slipped a lesbian couple into that Turtles versus Batman movie. But again, not princesses."

Elsa sighed. "We should have worked for Nickelodeon. Did you see Barbie and the Diamond Castle? Now there was a princess loving princess story. It's not like any girl has more than one Ken doll for every ten Barbies anyway and they always get left to rot in the closet."

"Legend of Korra too. It may have had to be completed in a bleedin' comic book after the series ended, but she and Asami are canon!" Merida said. "Jem and the Holograms got a reboot with Stormer and Kimber."

"Cartoon Network managed it," Maleficent said. "Vampire Queen and candy Princess. Alien gemstone girls. A few others here and there."

Elsa sighed. "I'm going to die alone and the only girl I've kissed is my sister."

Merida said, "Oh come on now lassie, you are a beautiful lady how long could Disney possibly keep ya hanging?"

"Wasn't Kida in Atlantis ten thousand years old before they got her a boyfriend?" Moana asked.

Elsa snorted. "No kidding. Then they claim the Frog Princess girl is their first black princess."

"She couldn't sing," Moana pointed out.

Merida frowned. "So what? Anyway I hear her guy just hangs out with the singing frogs from meet the Robinsons these days."

Moving on Maleficent said, "And look at the guys we get hooked up with, if we're "lucky". I mean they're afraid girls kissing girls will upset wholesome family values? Snow White's princess frenched a corpse in the middle of a funeral. He didn't know she was going to wake up. There were no fairies cluing him in. Oh and my 'true love' who cut off my wings went crazy and tried to murder me."

"Hey I was the first princess to say you can't marry some guy you just met. My sister's guy doesn't even make it onto the merchandise. We only really needed his reindeer," Elsa said. "You know we don't even look alike? She could have been anyone else's kid and we'd have…"

"Elsa, let it go," Moana said. "But I get the point. Cinderella's guy trotted all the girls in the kingdom out like cattle. Aladdin was a thief and had fleas. Same for Rapunzel's… though I think she and that Cassandra girl definitely have a thing."

"Don't even ask how Pocahontas' relationships ultimately end," Merida pointed out. "And the real Mulan did not end up marryin' her commandin' officer."

"Or Hercules' wife," Maleficent said. "That ended really badly."

"Actually in Ariel's story she ends up not getting the prince and ending up with a bunch of beautiful air spirits," Elsa said. "At least we all get to ditch those losers and live together in a castle. Thank you Disney Princess Collection and Ralph Breaks the Internet." They all clinked glasses again and cheered. "Hey let's invite the blonds from Beauty and the Beast and those triplets from Aladdin over."

"Ariel's got a dozen single sisters," Moana pointed out. "All princesses." She looked at Maleficent. "And I hear her father would be happy to marry any one of them off to someone not human."

Maleficent sighed. "Sounds good. And at least I won't be getting shipped with Cruella making love on a fur rug again." She looked at Elsa. "Does that new Jedi girl from Star Wars count as a princess? Not Leia, the other one?"

"I don't know… technically she isn't human either."

"How about Venelope?" Merida asked.

"I hear she either has a thing going on with that Taffita girl or Shanks…" maleficent said. "Or both. Maybe Yesss too." She sighed. "If that doesn't say it all about Disney's policies, even Jane Lynch was married off in her movie."

Elsa slammed her empty glass on the table. "Damn it, I was going to go down in history! My first movie wasn't even that good! Those trolls were so annoying. I could have been huge as Disney's first officially lesbian princess! Instead it's back to the incest fan art with Lion King… like we don't know who Nala's father was… Bambi, and Violet from the Incredibles while Disney pointlessly remakes old animated movies into live action."

"Hey!" Maleficent snapped.

"Oh you know it's true," Moana said. "I mean look at the Lion King. Why make that over? It's not that old and they're all talking animals so they have to animate them in CGI anyway."

"I knew Dumbo wasn't getting to be keepin' their original storyline. The little elephant learned to fly by getting' drunk off his butt. Pink Elephants on parade!" She took a drink. "Plus ya knew they were goin' to get rid of the crows. Not politically correct these days. Princess Clara had an episode abou' that in Drawn Together."

Moana said, "Too bad. I would have loved seeing some CGI crow voiced by Snoop Dogg singing 'When I see an Elephant Fly'." They all laughed and she raised her coconut. "You're welcome."

"You are one o' the lucky one's Mal," Mirida said. "They did a decent job on yer movie. Pete's Dragon went straight down the crapper, ya know? They even took out the bleedin' villains! Meanwhile Beauty and the Beast was almost the exact same movie as the first one! Same for Lion King and a few ot'ers. Disney needs to do like they did with Moana and me and start getting some new storylines, not rehashing things they already did. The Brothers Grimm have hundreds o' stories, not to mention Anderson, and all those other mythologies." She finished off her drink. "And they'd still mess it the heck oop! Look at them Fairy Hollow movies. 20-1 girl to guy ratio and they still can't have one lesbian couple."

"Tell me about it," Maleficent said. "Three women raising a girl for sixteen years in both my movies alone in the woods and not one of them so much as got a kiss that whole time." She groaned. "I was played by freaking Angelina Jolie and couldn't pull it off. I was in Japanese versions like Kingdom heart and we couldn't do it."

They all sighed. Elsa said, "One kiss. Maybe a dance. It wasn't like we were talking about dry humping on screen or something. Or doing that stupid joke where their tongue sticks to me. I'd have even settled for holding hands. Not even PG-13 worthy stuff."

"Those Marvel characters have a better chance at it than we do," Moana said. "Do you think Disney will ever have a lesbian princess?"

"Who knows?" The others all chorused.

"Probably not this bloody decade," Merida said gloomily. "Wednesday Addams got closer in their movie to having a girlfriend than we probably ever will."

Elsa snarled, "I am a lesbian princess! Even if they don't let me kiss a girl on screen! And I'll freeze anyone who says otherwise!" The others toasted her. "I won't let them use me to kill the hope."

Maleficent said, "Well girls I'll tell you this. I've seen a lot of changes in my time at Disney. A lot. Just the politically correct stuff… you don't honestly think they're going to let Pinocchio get drunk and smoke cigars next time around, do you? The fact that you girls even had a chance of dating women is frankly amazing. Give it a little longer and maybe."

"Here's hopin'," Merida said.

"Come on, Go-go and her girlfriend Aunt Cass just emailed me and wants us all to head down to the Ink and Paint club and check out Jessica Rabbit's new show."

"She's married you know," Moana said.

"Who cares?" The others said.

"Good point."

Elsa sighed. "I don't know girls, maybe I should just let it go and accept I am going to either end up alone forever or be married off to some prince or king or something."

"No!" Moana said, grabbing her shoulders. "You can't do that! You're the great white-haired hope!" She took Elsa's hand and waved it through the air. An ice mirror appeared on the nearby wall. "Quick, sing a magical princess song!"

Elsa: (Sings) I wonder if I'm the one who must carry on this day. Am I the one who will be the one? Am I really all that gay?

Maleficent: I say thee yaaaaay! (Music plays)

(Elsa gets dragged into scenes from various Disney movies)

Cinderella: (Dancing with her fairy Godmother at the ball) Loving another girl is a wish your heart makes… when your knees go weak…

(Changes into Rapunzel dancing with Cassandra)

Rapunzel: And with every passing moment I'm so glad I left the closet!

Pocahontas: (Standing on a mountain top, her hair in rainbow colors) With all the colors of the flaaaag!

Beauty: Be my guest, be my guest! You should date someone with some breasts. The fans have waited years for someone queer and these days they're obsessed! (Tickles Elsa with the French maid duster)

Megera: (Wandering through the ruins of a Greek temple) No way! It's too cliché! I can't say that I'm gay! At least out loud….

The Muses: (Appearing all around Elsa) You're doin' it! You're Sapphic! That's true love!

Elsa: (Appears as a puppet on a stage with Pinocchio) I've got no guys to hold me down, to make me fret, to make me frown. I'm so hot, as you can see, but there are no men on me!

(On a beach)

Ariel: (Leaning on a rock) Trust me it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me!

Moana: What can I say except you're welcome? For the lesbians you've come to know. (Lifted up in a hand made of sand to Te Fiti's face to kiss her cheek) now if you'll pardon me I have to go. You're welcome!

Jasmine: (Swoops down on a magic carpet and carries Elsa off) A girl who likes girls. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell you no, or where to go, and plenty of hot girls just for you… because we've never had a princess like you.

Wendy: (Flies overhead and gives Tinkerbelle a spanking, sprinkling what we'll assume is pixie dust on Elsa before taking her hands.) Think of a wonderful thought. Any merry little thought.

Elsa: (Smirks) like a mermaid lagoon? Underneath a magic moon?

Chorus: Who needs a guy? Who needs a guy? Who needs a guy?

Mulan: (In her kimono looking at her half-reflection in the water) When will you be, the girl you wish to be?

Elsa: (Slips ahand around her waist and leans in so their reflections merge into one) When I find a girl worth fighting for!

Kim Possible: (Swings by dropping a card into Elsa's hand) Call me, beep me, if you want to date me! I'm 18 now, it's okay. (Elsa tucks the card into her cleavage)

Maleficent: (Takes her hands and twirls Elsa into a dance) I know it's true that visions are seldom what they seem. But if I know you, I know what you'll do… you'll lover a girl at once, the way you did once, upon a dream…

Elsa: You see it's true-oo-oo! Someone like me-e-e! Can make the girls want to be, like someone like meee!

Alice: (Falls into her arms) Take me home Elsa!

Elsa: You know you want to be, a lesbian like meeeeeeee!

(Zooms in on her eye and inside her head we see different versions of her in various emotional states. Red angrily yanking on blue's braid making her cry as they kiss, green sneering in a dominatrix outfit as she spanks a joyous yellow, and purple nervously being backing into a wall while pink lust pushes up against her with a hungry grin)

(Zooms out and has dragon maleficent holding Elsa up in her claws on Pride Rock as all the female characters in Disney cartoons stand below in a huge crowd cheering her on. Gadget the mouse from Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers comes out of her hair and on her knees bends over and gives her a kiss on the forehead)

Elsa: But who will be my girlfriend?

Spinning around she Walked right into Honeymaren. The woman smiled at her and said, "Well, why didn't you say so during the movie?" She grabbed Elsa and pulled her into a deep kiss.

Author's Note

They let us down. At least according to the leak by one of the composers. The way nobody released those junior novelazations before the movie came out really was keeping that hope alive, but if the least is true… it's done. No girlfriend for Elsa. Thankfully no boyfriend either, but still. A petition. Actors and directors being publicly okay with it. Years of teasing. Other cartoons getting away with it. And it's not like she's the only single Disney princess. There are several others who frankly got a better storyline.

If you really would like to read some fairy tales starring lesbian princesses, queens, empresses, and the like to take the edge off of this supreme disappointment, then go to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and their affiliates and look up "The Complete Lesbian Storybook" by C.D. Overstreet. It contains actual myths plucked out of history, some gently altered favorites (a king becomes a queen so easily), and a few just flat out made up where the girl gets the girl. More than 175 stories, myths, legends, and fairy tales in more than 750 pages. A few you can read by clicking on my name up there and looking through my list of stories posted here to see how they go. Feel free to review them.

(This may come as a surprise to my long time fans, but yes, I like lesbians.)

Will Disney ever woman up and give the fans a lesbian princess, if only to finally get it out of the way? Who knows? We got close this time though, didn't we? Still hope was crushed and frankly I don't think any of us are holding out much hope for Frozen 3 after this debacle.

Remember to review this fic, my other stories, and my books.


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